Writing Songs by Myself in the Morning

Good morning.

I had an amazing time with Jesus on Monday. Oh, how he's faithful. He did heart surgery on me, too. I sang to him for a long time and laid on my bed with my guitar and cried and asked him to change me. I didn't mind where in my heart he worked, as long as He did.

He did.

He took away my terrible attitude that had been like a poison in me every tuesday and thursday morning, 10:15 to 11:55am. There is only 1 class left before finals, but he made Tuesday actually fun.

What a high with the Lord. I know it seems like a little thing, but it's big. Jesus took a really ugly piece of me and made it beautiful.

So, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised when there's a huge stumbling block waiting for me. I fell into it. And now I feel like I've just made every part of me ugly. This is a throw back to my last post like this a few months ago. Back into the pit, it seems I always end up here.

I went to bed with a broken heart and woke up under a waterfall of guilt.

It's such a strange predicament I'm in. I know Jesus died on the cross with my shame like a robe and my guilt like a crown. I clothed him with those sins and he clothes me with His blood. My guilt makes his face run red and his red makes me look righteous in exchange. It's not fair, I'm so sorry, Jesus.

Oh, how precious is the flow that makes me white as snow. No other fount I know, nothing but the blood of Jesus.

I feel broken-hearted and ashamed of myself. I see my guilt on Jesus' cross, I can picture myself like Mary who washed His feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. I feel like I know that desperation.

I learned about alabaster boxes yesterday. As part of a dowry in Jesus' time, each young woman when she reached marrying age would be given an alabaster box filled with precious ointment. The box represented her family's wealth. When she found the one to marry, she would break the box at his feet and anoint him with the precious oil. It signified her sacrifice for him and becoming one with Him. No one knew the price of Mary's oil in her box. I don't know if she ever married on earth, but she used her alabaster box on Jesus. She poured out for Him. I want to, too.

Lord, I don't have oil to anoint you with, just my tears.

Ingredients for Rachel's Tears

1tsp regret

1 heaping cup of guilt

1 tbsp of shame

2 cups of thankfulness

Add Hope, to taste.

I know my tears are worth something to Jesus. As I sit here and type and cry in my bedroom, guitar on bed, home alone, I know that my tears aren't wasted. I wish I could see Jesus here with me catching each one and putting it in his bottle.

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in

your bottle.You have recorded each one in your book. ps 56:8

This morning when I woke up, I remembered the verse that says there is healing in his wings... Malachi 4:2 says

"But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall."

I have to remember that God isn't surprised by my natural ability to fall. I was born into this world with a handicap toward sin. He's not surprised. He knows my heart. He knows that I want to walk with Him in purity and righteousness and be one with my Heavenly Bridegroom.

Jesus has redemption for me. I may have fallen but I am not defined by my fall, I am defined by His picking me up. We're going to keep going, Jesus and I. I will be on the other side of this valley and oh, what a joyous day it will be.

God is faithful, and I surrender all to Him.

I may be a mess Lord but you have a thing for messes. I know you love me, help me accept Your forgiveness and get up again. Take my tears, Jesus, and let these be the last tears of this kind.

Love, Rachel

Monday's Adventures

A full morning:

Test drove a car (after 5 minutes of trying to get the car in reverse, the owner showed us how ford's have a little thingie to pull on to put the stick into reverse. who knew?!)

Went to 2 banks to clear up Chris' identity theft issues (pray for that!) 3rd bank to talk about a car loan, lunch, cuddle time. Chris goes to work, mom and I go to Fred Meyer to search for JASON natural tea tree face moisturizer. If you find it, buy it and send it to me and I'll pay you for it!!

Hung out at home all afternoon knitting and being happy & sleepy.

Went to Weight Watchers at 5:30, i've lost 30.8 pounds so far! HURRAY!

Then finished off with a water aerobics class. Only 8 more classes to go to get an A in the class! HURRAH!

Came home, ate pizza with the WHOLE family! Mom, Dad, Katie, Michael, Chris & I were all home at the same time! It was wonderful!

I dyed Katie's hair red and begrudgingly did my spanish homework. I think I did it right. I guess we'll see.

I've been "fantasy shopping" online as of late. Going to websites and placing in my virtual cart all the things I'd buy if I had an endless supply of money.

Websites I visited:

www.amazon.com

www.yarn.com

www.knitpicks.com

I tried to decide if it was best to buy 640 teabags of PG Tips tea (SO GOOD!) or 520...I think it came down to a .066 over .067 per tea bag. :) I love PG Tips. Drink up with honey and almond milk. Yummmm.

My friend Ryan showed me this college called IHOPU (International House of Prayer university) They have a "Forerunners school of music" Looks amazing! I printed off the application just in case.

Well, Im off to bed. Love you all.

This whole blogging everyday because it's possible that at least 2 people read what i say is motivation enough to continue. :D

love rach

p.s.

First attempt at picture in blog. Rachel, you offered to tell me how to do it like you do in your blogs! I need your help! :D

Chris' hood/scarf/thing

I started working on Chris' scarf/cowl/hood. I learned the long tail cast on. I feel like an advanced knitter practically.

It's not looking just right...kind of like stockinette stitch but I haven't switched to purl or anything? I guess we'll just see.

I've decided if I go to bed by 10, I will be a much happier human. Tonight is the 2nd night of my happiness experiment.

Reading more Stephanie Pearl-McPhee books. This time "Things I learned from Knitting"

I'm also considering dyeing my hair again - maybe more blond or red or back to dark brown. Any votes?

Thought of the Day:

God really blesses the generous! So, when you're thinking of tipping, tip more! God will bless you!

" A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed" Prov 11:25

Im becoming "That lady"

So, as I wrote last time, I'm addicted to these Stephanie Pearl McPhee books. They're hysterical and I've been devouring them and they've been fueling this yarn mania.

Chris and I went to Juniper Fiberworks today and bought 5 skeins of Wool/Baby alpaca tweed yarn for his hood/hat/neck warmer thing. I'm really excited to knit it up. New needles too. Hurrah!

Anyways, so I've been not only spending hours in yarn shops & reading yarn books, I've also been scouring the internet for new patterns, blogs, anything I can get my paws on about yarn/knitting/crochet/spinning, etc. Chris said, "Rachel, just because you read that lady's books doesn't mean you are "That Lady,'" Just because I said "I'm cataloguing my stash." yarn stash, that is. He just doesn't get it yet!

You see, I'm kind of like a pit bull (I know, Abby, don't be offended. I'm not stereotyping Hobbes and Julep) when I lock my jaws on something, I just won't let go! If I get a new interest, I'll dive head first into it until I'm swimming in a pool of Merino. Or, as it's been in the past, makeup artistry. A zillion makeup books anybody? Hours and hours at the Mac counter? Or maybe it's missions stuff and I'm researching every possible trip available for summer 2010 and the best priced airfare from Portland to Bucharest, Romania. Cheaper to fly from redmond? How many hours layover? I search for hours on end, sacrificing dear sleep to fuel whatever Im obsessed with at the moment.

It's a charming habit, really.

Anyways, I should be sleeping again (going to bed before 10 is my happiest time!) but again, facebook led to blogging.

So loved ones, Thank you for loving and appreciating my craziness. You can send any yarn information my way. It will be greatly appreciated.

Love, your crazy friend Rachel

P.s.

God is faithful! I had breakfast with Karina and it was so refreshing. Praise the Lord for good friends.

Knitting & Jesus

New Things:

I learned how to spin yarn by hand with a drop spindle. The lady's sheep, Elphaba, lovingly donated her wool for me to learn on. After 4 days and a few youtube videos later, I now have a ball of yarn that I spun, dried, made into a skein and then finally, a centerpull ball. I even started knitting with it tonight. It's special so I need something special to make it into.

I've been reading books by Stephanie Pearl-McPhee about knitting. They are hysterical. I sit by myself reading them and laugh out loud. If anyone were around (and couldn't see the book) they'd think I was a crazy woman. Even non-knitters laugh. Ask my mom and Chris; I made them listen to me read excerpts from "Free Range Knitter" and "At Knit's End" for much longer than I'm sure they wanted.

I rushed through my homework to go to bed but instead I got on here (after facebook of course, the eternal enemy of homework everywhere)

I love how God is laying out my life like a stitch on a knitting needle. Without each and every 20,000 stitches in that handmade sock, it wouldn't be complete. It would leave feet cold instead of warm, it would fit the wrong size foot, or maybe it'd be an ill fitting tube with no heel turn. (How nerdy do I sound right now, seriously?) If the artist didn't take time to lovingly create each stitch just the way it intended, it's purpose would be compromised. I just finished making a "neck warmer" from the book AlterKnits....anyways, I bought beautiful dark purple Alpaca bulky yarn to make this treasure for myself. Anyways, I kept messing up the: Rows 1-6 garter, Rows 7-10 Stockinette" So I kept pulling it out and starting again.

I kind of feel like rather than the creator making the mistake, it's as if the knitting was undoing itself or messing up. That's how I feel in God's hands sometimes. I know that every part is working for good, but sometimes I make God have to teach me the same lesson over and over again (knit the same stupid 1-6, 7-10 over and over) because it is treasure- it needs to be right, to fulfill it's purpose. God patiently goes back with me to the place where the error occurred and leads me lovingly, stitch by stitch, to the place he wants me to be.

Sometimes it seems like God makes holes on purpose....but until a few rows have passed and the button is sewn on, you realize that "mistake" was really a button hole. No button hole, no button, no warm neck, purpose not fulfilled.

It's in those times when I have to trust that the holes God is leaving really are just buttonholes and I need to trust Him and wait however long it takes before the button he chose gets sewn on and I can see and trust that He knew what he was doing all along!

Jesus, thankyou for making me unique and special. Thankyou for taking the time to craft me into something beautiful, time consuming and hand-made. Thank you that you love me because your hands have crafted me into exactly the way you want. You, Sweet Savior, unlike me, do not make mistakes. The holes I see are button holes. The twists I see as mistakes are cables. The decreasing I see as dropped stitches are really part of your plan to lovingly shape me into the Beloved I am in Your eyes. I can't see it all the time, but You truly are good and I really can trust you.

Thank you for giving me all these silly knitting references to help understand a God that is much bigger than me, but still looks me in the face and tells me He loves me. I am not too small for You, Jesus. I am known by You, and that is enough.

I love You, Jesus.

P.s, Lord, be with Abby. We love her, don't we, Lord? :)

Wednesday

I think we're more than half finished with this term and I'm GLAD.

Morning full of homework (dumb spanish homework...I love spanish but am having the hardest time with this professor!) and I'll be off to work soon.

God is good. He's teaching me a lot about asking Him to tell me the best way to be obedient.

I know He wants me to live a certain way and that that is the best way to live. Trying everything I think of to live out the holiness and purity won't be enough. I've tried and failed so many times. In 1 Chronicles it talks about how the Israelites didn't ask what the best way was to move the Ark of the Covenant. They didn't do it how God 'prescribed'

I know that God wants to equip me with everything I need to follow Him and live a life that is passionately holy and completely obedient. I've started asking Him, "God, I know you want me to be pure. You know what it takes to get me there, Help me be obedient to Your prescribed way." I've tried a hundred times on my own and it never works. Now, I'm going to seek God and let Him equip me with what I need to serve Him completely.

God is good!

Off to eat some lunch, then go to work. Thank you Lord for today, help me have a good attitude and be grateful for everything you've laid out before me.

Streams of Consciousness

I suppose my angst just looks different than yours.

We are all worried about something, nobody has it completely together.

GOD I NEED TO TRUST YOU!!!!!!!!!

On and off, second by second, trust-doubt-trust-doubt-trust-doubt.

Life is a sequence of reminding myself to trust Jesus, to remember the

tools I have in my belt, and to remember that God has it under control.

It's incredible that in my fear, I take everything back into my own hands.

Am I afraid God is going to mess it up? Do I somehow believe that I have

more control in these situations than God does? I just said last week "I'll work

the shifts I'm given; God knows my need" and then I get the new schedule "7 hours?!?!

SEVEN HOURS?!?!?!?!" and the cycle starts again. God, break this cycle!

Why can I not trust you completely?

I feel like Peter...I feel like the "O you of little faith, why do you doubt?"

and I say "I believe, HELP MY UNBELIEF!" God, help my unbelief.

I dream of a life that is full of adventure, full of travel, full of ministry, full

of journals filled with pictures, ephemera, stories of what God is doing, the

people I'm meeting. I dream of India sometimes. Right now, as I picture

my full journal, it's full on India. The colors, the smells, the sounds, the hurt...

It's all there in my imagination. Someday. God take me somewhere.

Be the author of my heart, Lord. I want to love the things you love.

I want to be broken for the things that break Your heart.

I want to hate the injustice & bondage that You hate.

I want to be ignited by the things that ignite You, Lord.

To be more myself, I seek to be more like Jesus. Help me do this daily, God.

Father, my heart is broken for my dear friend. Be with her tonight, God. Whisper to her heart that You love her, that you want her just as she is. You are restoration. Bring restoration to her depleted heart, her drained body.

Drained: def'n:implies a gradual withdrawal and ultimate deprivation of what is necessary to an existence

God, I look up this word, deplete. To empty of a principal substance.

I see it's synonyms; exhaust, impoverish, drain, bankrupt. Listen to this one, Lord..

Impoverished (def'n): suggests a deprivation of something essential to richness or productiveness

Lord God, I know that you are this principal substance, this essential something that she needs not only to live abundantly but...to live. Period.

Be with her tonight, Lord. Please let her know that I think about her every single day. My heart is broken for her. Yours is broken. God, in our brokenness, will you move? Will you do everything that I cannot do? Show me what I can, Lord. Please give her life back. Please don't let her be lost to this grave that would steal her so early...physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. She needs You. I need You. I need You to save her, Jesus. Please. Let her know we love her.

I love You, Jesus. As I type, tears stream down my cheeks. You're answering. My heart is broken for the things that break Your heart. Help me look more like You. Give me a passion for Your word. Direct my steps, lead me to the place where I will be used most completely by You, to the place where I will be most completely who You want me to be.

Love you, Jesus. Keep up your work in me until it's finished.

Deep Breath.

In Jesus' name, Amen.