The Dawn

It's amazing how, after tasting my forbidden fruit and letting its bitter taste settle on my tongue, I realize the depravity of my decisions.

Now the only thing that I want is to be close to God. I'm realizing how much I need Him, how  much I lack without Him. I wish I felt this before I made dumb mistakes. 

You know the phrase "It's always darkest right before the dawn" I hate how sometimes it takes me walking into the sin that I hate to realize how much I need Jesus. That darkness...I hate it. I wish I could see, before I take those steps to darkness, that I need the light. I know I need the light. I hate that this is the area I fall into. I hate this feeling.

If you'd like to hear a song about this very thing, go to www.sonicbids.com/christinadesouza. There you can find the song "It's Over" written by she and i and recorded by her. That song is about this feeling. I wish I could quit singing it, I wish it would start being true. I wish that my flesh wouldn't win. Like when Paul talks about the things he wants to do, he doesn't do and the things he DOES want to do, he fails to do. I feel that way, Paul. It's a human condition.

These things I call "human conditions"....I think our walk with Jesus is the steps we take to get back from the basic humanness and into something greater than that, something that is body and spirit, temporary and eternal. Sometimes I make decisions that only serve the temporary, some things that bring me back to my basic human depravity. The decisions I make to seek God, to worship Him, to make Him known, to love Him, to love others...Those decisions lead me closer to what I was meant for. A unity of God and man, body and spirit, temporary and eternal. Bringing the Kingdom to earth, you know? Eternally loving, patient, kind, good, and so on. Preparing myself and others for eternity, while bringing Jesus' love in a real tangible way to others here and now. 

Today, I made a decision to step back nearer to basic humanity. It feels terrible here. I know my purpose is to know God and make Him known. I want to take steps closer to You, Jesus Christ. Closer to who I was made to be, how I was made to be. A marriage of God and man, body and spirit, temporary and eternal. I want nothing to separate us, Lord. I admit that my foolish decisions are like a wedge between us. Forgive me for my depravity, God. I want to be closer to You, I want to be more like You. I want to walk in the light, to see the light, to rejoice in the light. Today was a day of walking in Your joy and I traded it for a selfish decision that led me farther from You. 

Forgive me, I ask for Your joy again. I want to be in fellowship with You. I want to dwell in the light again, and to stay there forever. 

I love you :)