Im becoming "That lady"

So, as I wrote last time, I'm addicted to these Stephanie Pearl McPhee books. They're hysterical and I've been devouring them and they've been fueling this yarn mania.

Chris and I went to Juniper Fiberworks today and bought 5 skeins of Wool/Baby alpaca tweed yarn for his hood/hat/neck warmer thing. I'm really excited to knit it up. New needles too. Hurrah!

Anyways, so I've been not only spending hours in yarn shops & reading yarn books, I've also been scouring the internet for new patterns, blogs, anything I can get my paws on about yarn/knitting/crochet/spinning, etc. Chris said, "Rachel, just because you read that lady's books doesn't mean you are "That Lady,'" Just because I said "I'm cataloguing my stash." yarn stash, that is. He just doesn't get it yet!

You see, I'm kind of like a pit bull (I know, Abby, don't be offended. I'm not stereotyping Hobbes and Julep) when I lock my jaws on something, I just won't let go! If I get a new interest, I'll dive head first into it until I'm swimming in a pool of Merino. Or, as it's been in the past, makeup artistry. A zillion makeup books anybody? Hours and hours at the Mac counter? Or maybe it's missions stuff and I'm researching every possible trip available for summer 2010 and the best priced airfare from Portland to Bucharest, Romania. Cheaper to fly from redmond? How many hours layover? I search for hours on end, sacrificing dear sleep to fuel whatever Im obsessed with at the moment.

It's a charming habit, really.

Anyways, I should be sleeping again (going to bed before 10 is my happiest time!) but again, facebook led to blogging.

So loved ones, Thank you for loving and appreciating my craziness. You can send any yarn information my way. It will be greatly appreciated.

Love, your crazy friend Rachel

P.s.

God is faithful! I had breakfast with Karina and it was so refreshing. Praise the Lord for good friends.

Knitting & Jesus

New Things:

I learned how to spin yarn by hand with a drop spindle. The lady's sheep, Elphaba, lovingly donated her wool for me to learn on. After 4 days and a few youtube videos later, I now have a ball of yarn that I spun, dried, made into a skein and then finally, a centerpull ball. I even started knitting with it tonight. It's special so I need something special to make it into.

I've been reading books by Stephanie Pearl-McPhee about knitting. They are hysterical. I sit by myself reading them and laugh out loud. If anyone were around (and couldn't see the book) they'd think I was a crazy woman. Even non-knitters laugh. Ask my mom and Chris; I made them listen to me read excerpts from "Free Range Knitter" and "At Knit's End" for much longer than I'm sure they wanted.

I rushed through my homework to go to bed but instead I got on here (after facebook of course, the eternal enemy of homework everywhere)

I love how God is laying out my life like a stitch on a knitting needle. Without each and every 20,000 stitches in that handmade sock, it wouldn't be complete. It would leave feet cold instead of warm, it would fit the wrong size foot, or maybe it'd be an ill fitting tube with no heel turn. (How nerdy do I sound right now, seriously?) If the artist didn't take time to lovingly create each stitch just the way it intended, it's purpose would be compromised. I just finished making a "neck warmer" from the book AlterKnits....anyways, I bought beautiful dark purple Alpaca bulky yarn to make this treasure for myself. Anyways, I kept messing up the: Rows 1-6 garter, Rows 7-10 Stockinette" So I kept pulling it out and starting again.

I kind of feel like rather than the creator making the mistake, it's as if the knitting was undoing itself or messing up. That's how I feel in God's hands sometimes. I know that every part is working for good, but sometimes I make God have to teach me the same lesson over and over again (knit the same stupid 1-6, 7-10 over and over) because it is treasure- it needs to be right, to fulfill it's purpose. God patiently goes back with me to the place where the error occurred and leads me lovingly, stitch by stitch, to the place he wants me to be.

Sometimes it seems like God makes holes on purpose....but until a few rows have passed and the button is sewn on, you realize that "mistake" was really a button hole. No button hole, no button, no warm neck, purpose not fulfilled.

It's in those times when I have to trust that the holes God is leaving really are just buttonholes and I need to trust Him and wait however long it takes before the button he chose gets sewn on and I can see and trust that He knew what he was doing all along!

Jesus, thankyou for making me unique and special. Thankyou for taking the time to craft me into something beautiful, time consuming and hand-made. Thank you that you love me because your hands have crafted me into exactly the way you want. You, Sweet Savior, unlike me, do not make mistakes. The holes I see are button holes. The twists I see as mistakes are cables. The decreasing I see as dropped stitches are really part of your plan to lovingly shape me into the Beloved I am in Your eyes. I can't see it all the time, but You truly are good and I really can trust you.

Thank you for giving me all these silly knitting references to help understand a God that is much bigger than me, but still looks me in the face and tells me He loves me. I am not too small for You, Jesus. I am known by You, and that is enough.

I love You, Jesus.

P.s, Lord, be with Abby. We love her, don't we, Lord? :)

Wednesday

I think we're more than half finished with this term and I'm GLAD.

Morning full of homework (dumb spanish homework...I love spanish but am having the hardest time with this professor!) and I'll be off to work soon.

God is good. He's teaching me a lot about asking Him to tell me the best way to be obedient.

I know He wants me to live a certain way and that that is the best way to live. Trying everything I think of to live out the holiness and purity won't be enough. I've tried and failed so many times. In 1 Chronicles it talks about how the Israelites didn't ask what the best way was to move the Ark of the Covenant. They didn't do it how God 'prescribed'

I know that God wants to equip me with everything I need to follow Him and live a life that is passionately holy and completely obedient. I've started asking Him, "God, I know you want me to be pure. You know what it takes to get me there, Help me be obedient to Your prescribed way." I've tried a hundred times on my own and it never works. Now, I'm going to seek God and let Him equip me with what I need to serve Him completely.

God is good!

Off to eat some lunch, then go to work. Thank you Lord for today, help me have a good attitude and be grateful for everything you've laid out before me.

Streams of Consciousness

I suppose my angst just looks different than yours.

We are all worried about something, nobody has it completely together.

GOD I NEED TO TRUST YOU!!!!!!!!!

On and off, second by second, trust-doubt-trust-doubt-trust-doubt.

Life is a sequence of reminding myself to trust Jesus, to remember the

tools I have in my belt, and to remember that God has it under control.

It's incredible that in my fear, I take everything back into my own hands.

Am I afraid God is going to mess it up? Do I somehow believe that I have

more control in these situations than God does? I just said last week "I'll work

the shifts I'm given; God knows my need" and then I get the new schedule "7 hours?!?!

SEVEN HOURS?!?!?!?!" and the cycle starts again. God, break this cycle!

Why can I not trust you completely?

I feel like Peter...I feel like the "O you of little faith, why do you doubt?"

and I say "I believe, HELP MY UNBELIEF!" God, help my unbelief.

I dream of a life that is full of adventure, full of travel, full of ministry, full

of journals filled with pictures, ephemera, stories of what God is doing, the

people I'm meeting. I dream of India sometimes. Right now, as I picture

my full journal, it's full on India. The colors, the smells, the sounds, the hurt...

It's all there in my imagination. Someday. God take me somewhere.

Be the author of my heart, Lord. I want to love the things you love.

I want to be broken for the things that break Your heart.

I want to hate the injustice & bondage that You hate.

I want to be ignited by the things that ignite You, Lord.

To be more myself, I seek to be more like Jesus. Help me do this daily, God.

Father, my heart is broken for my dear friend. Be with her tonight, God. Whisper to her heart that You love her, that you want her just as she is. You are restoration. Bring restoration to her depleted heart, her drained body.

Drained: def'n:implies a gradual withdrawal and ultimate deprivation of what is necessary to an existence

God, I look up this word, deplete. To empty of a principal substance.

I see it's synonyms; exhaust, impoverish, drain, bankrupt. Listen to this one, Lord..

Impoverished (def'n): suggests a deprivation of something essential to richness or productiveness

Lord God, I know that you are this principal substance, this essential something that she needs not only to live abundantly but...to live. Period.

Be with her tonight, Lord. Please let her know that I think about her every single day. My heart is broken for her. Yours is broken. God, in our brokenness, will you move? Will you do everything that I cannot do? Show me what I can, Lord. Please give her life back. Please don't let her be lost to this grave that would steal her so early...physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. She needs You. I need You. I need You to save her, Jesus. Please. Let her know we love her.

I love You, Jesus. As I type, tears stream down my cheeks. You're answering. My heart is broken for the things that break Your heart. Help me look more like You. Give me a passion for Your word. Direct my steps, lead me to the place where I will be used most completely by You, to the place where I will be most completely who You want me to be.

Love you, Jesus. Keep up your work in me until it's finished.

Deep Breath.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

The Dawn

It's amazing how, after tasting my forbidden fruit and letting its bitter taste settle on my tongue, I realize the depravity of my decisions.

Now the only thing that I want is to be close to God. I'm realizing how much I need Him, how  much I lack without Him. I wish I felt this before I made dumb mistakes. 

You know the phrase "It's always darkest right before the dawn" I hate how sometimes it takes me walking into the sin that I hate to realize how much I need Jesus. That darkness...I hate it. I wish I could see, before I take those steps to darkness, that I need the light. I know I need the light. I hate that this is the area I fall into. I hate this feeling.

If you'd like to hear a song about this very thing, go to www.sonicbids.com/christinadesouza. There you can find the song "It's Over" written by she and i and recorded by her. That song is about this feeling. I wish I could quit singing it, I wish it would start being true. I wish that my flesh wouldn't win. Like when Paul talks about the things he wants to do, he doesn't do and the things he DOES want to do, he fails to do. I feel that way, Paul. It's a human condition.

These things I call "human conditions"....I think our walk with Jesus is the steps we take to get back from the basic humanness and into something greater than that, something that is body and spirit, temporary and eternal. Sometimes I make decisions that only serve the temporary, some things that bring me back to my basic human depravity. The decisions I make to seek God, to worship Him, to make Him known, to love Him, to love others...Those decisions lead me closer to what I was meant for. A unity of God and man, body and spirit, temporary and eternal. Bringing the Kingdom to earth, you know? Eternally loving, patient, kind, good, and so on. Preparing myself and others for eternity, while bringing Jesus' love in a real tangible way to others here and now. 

Today, I made a decision to step back nearer to basic humanity. It feels terrible here. I know my purpose is to know God and make Him known. I want to take steps closer to You, Jesus Christ. Closer to who I was made to be, how I was made to be. A marriage of God and man, body and spirit, temporary and eternal. I want nothing to separate us, Lord. I admit that my foolish decisions are like a wedge between us. Forgive me for my depravity, God. I want to be closer to You, I want to be more like You. I want to walk in the light, to see the light, to rejoice in the light. Today was a day of walking in Your joy and I traded it for a selfish decision that led me farther from You. 

Forgive me, I ask for Your joy again. I want to be in fellowship with You. I want to dwell in the light again, and to stay there forever. 

I love you :)

8 Things

Thankyou Rachel, from the blog "braving the Beauty" for this. It gave me lots to think about. :)

8 things I’m looking forward to:
1. Vacation
2. When God takes me on another mission trip 
3. having my very first pair of birkenstocks
4. Filling up my moleskine with songs
5. Living in Eugene...and Im sure other places, too. 
6. Becoming content
7. Getting married
8. Reaching my goal weight (I know I know) 

8 things I did yesterday:
1. Had my hair dyed by my beautiful sister. 
2. Wrote a mini sermon (but no one came to unlock the church or hear the sermon, so it sits on my dashboard)
3. Made drinks for people at work. 
4.  Had a wonderful time with my sweet boyfriend, running errands and being silly 
5. Pondered at my priorities and asked the Lord to tell me what I should be investing in. 
6. Saw pictures of Brittany's brand new baby girl, Jacee Liliana
7. prayed for a co-worker that God is putting in my life even though Im mad about it.
8. Read parts of  "All I Need is Jesus (and a good pair of jeans)" By Susanna Aughtmon (or something like that) 

8 things I wish I could do:
1. Believe in myself and God's ability and desire to use me. 
2. Play guitar like a face melter and write songs that come from God's heart
3. be set loose in Borders & buy anything I like! (I stole this one from Rachel. :) ) 
4. Go on a 6 week long cross country road trip. 
5. Hike a swiss alp (someday) 
6. Have money to get manicures and pedicures all the time. 
7.  Be fluent in spanish, then lots of other languages too. 
8. Pay off my parents and learn to save really well. :) 

Special!

It's so silly how I compare myself so much.

Is this an 18 year old girl condition or

maybe just a human one?

God is good.

He has made me in His image.

I express a part of Him.

A special part, a unique part. 

No one else can fit the part that I can fit. 

Your grace is enough for me, Lord. 

I've been realizing how "iron sharpens iron" more, today.

I met with Karina and we did our bible study together. 

I love seeing how God shows her things that I didn't 

recognize in His word. It's a blessing to see her use

her God given talent of using words for His glory.

Your grace is enough for us, Lord. 

Thankyou for the promise that You'll work out Your plan for my life,

You'll use the special way I am made to fit in a special place, & be loved

especially by You. Help me remember I'm special, Lord, and help me

reveal to others how they're special, too.

Love you

Rach