Dum dee dum

I think expensive clothes are a joke.

I feel like spending loads of money on silly things like really really expensive flats like the Ferragamo Flats up there. Very awesome picture, but $440 for a pair of shoes? It makes me sick!

So much good with the money that we waste on expensive things.

Unless you're buying...

But even then, Birkenstocks only run about $100 a pair (which in my book is extremely expensive.)

The good news is that I'm in love with these shoes and have 2 pairs. I know, I know. I'm a hippie. If you would've told 15 year old me that I would wear birkenstocks, I would've laughed and kicked dirt on you with one of my multiple pairs of slip-on vans. "Don't joke," I would say.

Now, I'm an 18 year old woman, I wear birkenstocks and cardigans and I wear hardly any makeup. OH! And my hair (although not natural at the moment) is currently a shade that hair really does grow in.

On a Christmasy note, I only have a few more presents to wrap. One more present to buy, but it'll just be a quick trip to the yarn store (hurray!)

I have a little cleaning to do and a lot of pestering my parents to let me open a present early.

I suppose I'm not a convincing adult all the time. :)

Merry Christmas!

Thankyou Jesus for coming to save us!

We adore you. :)

My Day of Domesticity

Being domestic is something that is completely appealing to me. I wish I could be a stay at home wife/mom. :) Someday!

So, i'm currently standing in my kitchen, listening to Jon Foreman, and smelling a delicious dinner on the stove that was my very own creation.

It all started with "Honey-Balsamic Chicken" That sounds easy enough. I have all of those things (or so I thought.) Well, it turns out that I didn't have honey! My family has had a surplus of honey for the last few years so I figured OF COURSE! i'll have honey. But surprisingly, no. I have come to the end of my honey surplus.

So, instead of a honey balsamic glaze, it turned into a maple balsamic glaze (Thanks for the suggestion, Mom) It turns out that simmering maple syrup and balsamic vinegar doesn't thicken like honey. So, glaze turned into marinade.

I didn't have thyme, so I used Marjoram leaves for the herb rub. Thanks, Yahoo Answers.

Then, I thought, I should add orange juice! So I cut an orange in half and squeezed it on my chicken.

I suddenly had a great thought. I should TASTE what I'm making! Brilliant!

So I tasted.....and...it wasn't so great. Kind of tart & weird with the orange.

Brown sugar. I added brown sugar, poured my glaze in the pan to simmer with the chicken,

and then I tasted it.

Delish!

I think Jesus really saved my butt on this one. I think he supernaturally made it taste good.

:)

The bummer now is that no one is home yet to eat it! It was done 10 minutes before anyone got off! So the chicken and wild rice are simmering on the stove, waiting to grace the plates and fill the bellies of those I love. Chris and my parents will be home soon.

What a treat to serve them in this wonderfully domestic way.

Oh, I knit today, too! I've made 3 hats in the last 4 days and I'm working on a scarf. :)

Ah, the joys of being a crafty, domestic woman.

Praise the Lord!

NOTE

Chris is currently eating it and says it's delicious. SUCCESS!!

I have a best friend. I love her dearly.

This is a message for her.

Every part of you is beautiful.

You are a most amazing, unique, complex person.

Each layer of you that you hide should be celebrated.

Please live, please please please live.

I really need you.

I imagine what you will

be like when you no longer need to be painfully

covered by excuses that you feel you need to make.

You don't need to make those excuses.

Exist. Just the way you are, no excuses, no explanations.

You have a right to be.

You are beautiful, inside and out.

Please come out. You don't need to hide anymore.

I love you.

Good Day

I'm so excited for Urban craft loft! Bend, OR, Gossamer, a great local yarn store. I've never been before but I guess there will be lots of handmade gifts and fun stuff AND eco friendly wrapping station. I don't really mind if my wrapping is eco friendly or not but I've found that the design of lots of eco friendly stuff is very appealing to me. :)

So Chris and I went on a date last night! SO Fun. We went to China Sun buffet. Buffets, I've learned, are the anti-weight watcher. I'm only taking a little bit of each thing. On each plate. Three times. I'm scared to weigh myself! Lol. Eh, that's life. I've lost 33 pounds so far, so I want to keep on keeping on, but not deprive myself. It's a balance.

After we went to China Sun, we went to Michael's. Chris patiently waited for an hour while while I shopped. This is what I got:

The blue yarn and double pointed needles are so I can learn to make socks. The red yarn in the right top is for my mom's christmas gift. I haven't figured out what I'm making her yet but I thought of her when I saw that yarn.

The 2 reddish Patons yarns on the left bottom are wool for myself. I'm not sure what I'll make, maybe a scarf. Some beautiful damask ribbon and stitch markers. The purple yarn on the right is for a gift for my dear friend, Jessica. It's a short scarf that has a button to keep it around. The buttons on the bottom right are the ones I chose. One for my own scarf I made and the other for Jessica.

A very delightful haul, indeed.

Writing Songs by Myself in the Morning

Good morning.

I had an amazing time with Jesus on Monday. Oh, how he's faithful. He did heart surgery on me, too. I sang to him for a long time and laid on my bed with my guitar and cried and asked him to change me. I didn't mind where in my heart he worked, as long as He did.

He did.

He took away my terrible attitude that had been like a poison in me every tuesday and thursday morning, 10:15 to 11:55am. There is only 1 class left before finals, but he made Tuesday actually fun.

What a high with the Lord. I know it seems like a little thing, but it's big. Jesus took a really ugly piece of me and made it beautiful.

So, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised when there's a huge stumbling block waiting for me. I fell into it. And now I feel like I've just made every part of me ugly. This is a throw back to my last post like this a few months ago. Back into the pit, it seems I always end up here.

I went to bed with a broken heart and woke up under a waterfall of guilt.

It's such a strange predicament I'm in. I know Jesus died on the cross with my shame like a robe and my guilt like a crown. I clothed him with those sins and he clothes me with His blood. My guilt makes his face run red and his red makes me look righteous in exchange. It's not fair, I'm so sorry, Jesus.

Oh, how precious is the flow that makes me white as snow. No other fount I know, nothing but the blood of Jesus.

I feel broken-hearted and ashamed of myself. I see my guilt on Jesus' cross, I can picture myself like Mary who washed His feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. I feel like I know that desperation.

I learned about alabaster boxes yesterday. As part of a dowry in Jesus' time, each young woman when she reached marrying age would be given an alabaster box filled with precious ointment. The box represented her family's wealth. When she found the one to marry, she would break the box at his feet and anoint him with the precious oil. It signified her sacrifice for him and becoming one with Him. No one knew the price of Mary's oil in her box. I don't know if she ever married on earth, but she used her alabaster box on Jesus. She poured out for Him. I want to, too.

Lord, I don't have oil to anoint you with, just my tears.

Ingredients for Rachel's Tears

1tsp regret

1 heaping cup of guilt

1 tbsp of shame

2 cups of thankfulness

Add Hope, to taste.

I know my tears are worth something to Jesus. As I sit here and type and cry in my bedroom, guitar on bed, home alone, I know that my tears aren't wasted. I wish I could see Jesus here with me catching each one and putting it in his bottle.

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in

your bottle.You have recorded each one in your book. ps 56:8

This morning when I woke up, I remembered the verse that says there is healing in his wings... Malachi 4:2 says

"But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall."

I have to remember that God isn't surprised by my natural ability to fall. I was born into this world with a handicap toward sin. He's not surprised. He knows my heart. He knows that I want to walk with Him in purity and righteousness and be one with my Heavenly Bridegroom.

Jesus has redemption for me. I may have fallen but I am not defined by my fall, I am defined by His picking me up. We're going to keep going, Jesus and I. I will be on the other side of this valley and oh, what a joyous day it will be.

God is faithful, and I surrender all to Him.

I may be a mess Lord but you have a thing for messes. I know you love me, help me accept Your forgiveness and get up again. Take my tears, Jesus, and let these be the last tears of this kind.

Love, Rachel

Monday's Adventures

A full morning:

Test drove a car (after 5 minutes of trying to get the car in reverse, the owner showed us how ford's have a little thingie to pull on to put the stick into reverse. who knew?!)

Went to 2 banks to clear up Chris' identity theft issues (pray for that!) 3rd bank to talk about a car loan, lunch, cuddle time. Chris goes to work, mom and I go to Fred Meyer to search for JASON natural tea tree face moisturizer. If you find it, buy it and send it to me and I'll pay you for it!!

Hung out at home all afternoon knitting and being happy & sleepy.

Went to Weight Watchers at 5:30, i've lost 30.8 pounds so far! HURRAY!

Then finished off with a water aerobics class. Only 8 more classes to go to get an A in the class! HURRAH!

Came home, ate pizza with the WHOLE family! Mom, Dad, Katie, Michael, Chris & I were all home at the same time! It was wonderful!

I dyed Katie's hair red and begrudgingly did my spanish homework. I think I did it right. I guess we'll see.

I've been "fantasy shopping" online as of late. Going to websites and placing in my virtual cart all the things I'd buy if I had an endless supply of money.

Websites I visited:

www.amazon.com

www.yarn.com

www.knitpicks.com

I tried to decide if it was best to buy 640 teabags of PG Tips tea (SO GOOD!) or 520...I think it came down to a .066 over .067 per tea bag. :) I love PG Tips. Drink up with honey and almond milk. Yummmm.

My friend Ryan showed me this college called IHOPU (International House of Prayer university) They have a "Forerunners school of music" Looks amazing! I printed off the application just in case.

Well, Im off to bed. Love you all.

This whole blogging everyday because it's possible that at least 2 people read what i say is motivation enough to continue. :D

love rach

p.s.

First attempt at picture in blog. Rachel, you offered to tell me how to do it like you do in your blogs! I need your help! :D

Chris' hood/scarf/thing

I started working on Chris' scarf/cowl/hood. I learned the long tail cast on. I feel like an advanced knitter practically.

It's not looking just right...kind of like stockinette stitch but I haven't switched to purl or anything? I guess we'll just see.

I've decided if I go to bed by 10, I will be a much happier human. Tonight is the 2nd night of my happiness experiment.

Reading more Stephanie Pearl-McPhee books. This time "Things I learned from Knitting"

I'm also considering dyeing my hair again - maybe more blond or red or back to dark brown. Any votes?

Thought of the Day:

God really blesses the generous! So, when you're thinking of tipping, tip more! God will bless you!

" A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed" Prov 11:25

Im becoming "That lady"

So, as I wrote last time, I'm addicted to these Stephanie Pearl McPhee books. They're hysterical and I've been devouring them and they've been fueling this yarn mania.

Chris and I went to Juniper Fiberworks today and bought 5 skeins of Wool/Baby alpaca tweed yarn for his hood/hat/neck warmer thing. I'm really excited to knit it up. New needles too. Hurrah!

Anyways, so I've been not only spending hours in yarn shops & reading yarn books, I've also been scouring the internet for new patterns, blogs, anything I can get my paws on about yarn/knitting/crochet/spinning, etc. Chris said, "Rachel, just because you read that lady's books doesn't mean you are "That Lady,'" Just because I said "I'm cataloguing my stash." yarn stash, that is. He just doesn't get it yet!

You see, I'm kind of like a pit bull (I know, Abby, don't be offended. I'm not stereotyping Hobbes and Julep) when I lock my jaws on something, I just won't let go! If I get a new interest, I'll dive head first into it until I'm swimming in a pool of Merino. Or, as it's been in the past, makeup artistry. A zillion makeup books anybody? Hours and hours at the Mac counter? Or maybe it's missions stuff and I'm researching every possible trip available for summer 2010 and the best priced airfare from Portland to Bucharest, Romania. Cheaper to fly from redmond? How many hours layover? I search for hours on end, sacrificing dear sleep to fuel whatever Im obsessed with at the moment.

It's a charming habit, really.

Anyways, I should be sleeping again (going to bed before 10 is my happiest time!) but again, facebook led to blogging.

So loved ones, Thank you for loving and appreciating my craziness. You can send any yarn information my way. It will be greatly appreciated.

Love, your crazy friend Rachel

P.s.

God is faithful! I had breakfast with Karina and it was so refreshing. Praise the Lord for good friends.

Knitting & Jesus

New Things:

I learned how to spin yarn by hand with a drop spindle. The lady's sheep, Elphaba, lovingly donated her wool for me to learn on. After 4 days and a few youtube videos later, I now have a ball of yarn that I spun, dried, made into a skein and then finally, a centerpull ball. I even started knitting with it tonight. It's special so I need something special to make it into.

I've been reading books by Stephanie Pearl-McPhee about knitting. They are hysterical. I sit by myself reading them and laugh out loud. If anyone were around (and couldn't see the book) they'd think I was a crazy woman. Even non-knitters laugh. Ask my mom and Chris; I made them listen to me read excerpts from "Free Range Knitter" and "At Knit's End" for much longer than I'm sure they wanted.

I rushed through my homework to go to bed but instead I got on here (after facebook of course, the eternal enemy of homework everywhere)

I love how God is laying out my life like a stitch on a knitting needle. Without each and every 20,000 stitches in that handmade sock, it wouldn't be complete. It would leave feet cold instead of warm, it would fit the wrong size foot, or maybe it'd be an ill fitting tube with no heel turn. (How nerdy do I sound right now, seriously?) If the artist didn't take time to lovingly create each stitch just the way it intended, it's purpose would be compromised. I just finished making a "neck warmer" from the book AlterKnits....anyways, I bought beautiful dark purple Alpaca bulky yarn to make this treasure for myself. Anyways, I kept messing up the: Rows 1-6 garter, Rows 7-10 Stockinette" So I kept pulling it out and starting again.

I kind of feel like rather than the creator making the mistake, it's as if the knitting was undoing itself or messing up. That's how I feel in God's hands sometimes. I know that every part is working for good, but sometimes I make God have to teach me the same lesson over and over again (knit the same stupid 1-6, 7-10 over and over) because it is treasure- it needs to be right, to fulfill it's purpose. God patiently goes back with me to the place where the error occurred and leads me lovingly, stitch by stitch, to the place he wants me to be.

Sometimes it seems like God makes holes on purpose....but until a few rows have passed and the button is sewn on, you realize that "mistake" was really a button hole. No button hole, no button, no warm neck, purpose not fulfilled.

It's in those times when I have to trust that the holes God is leaving really are just buttonholes and I need to trust Him and wait however long it takes before the button he chose gets sewn on and I can see and trust that He knew what he was doing all along!

Jesus, thankyou for making me unique and special. Thankyou for taking the time to craft me into something beautiful, time consuming and hand-made. Thank you that you love me because your hands have crafted me into exactly the way you want. You, Sweet Savior, unlike me, do not make mistakes. The holes I see are button holes. The twists I see as mistakes are cables. The decreasing I see as dropped stitches are really part of your plan to lovingly shape me into the Beloved I am in Your eyes. I can't see it all the time, but You truly are good and I really can trust you.

Thank you for giving me all these silly knitting references to help understand a God that is much bigger than me, but still looks me in the face and tells me He loves me. I am not too small for You, Jesus. I am known by You, and that is enough.

I love You, Jesus.

P.s, Lord, be with Abby. We love her, don't we, Lord? :)

Wednesday

I think we're more than half finished with this term and I'm GLAD.

Morning full of homework (dumb spanish homework...I love spanish but am having the hardest time with this professor!) and I'll be off to work soon.

God is good. He's teaching me a lot about asking Him to tell me the best way to be obedient.

I know He wants me to live a certain way and that that is the best way to live. Trying everything I think of to live out the holiness and purity won't be enough. I've tried and failed so many times. In 1 Chronicles it talks about how the Israelites didn't ask what the best way was to move the Ark of the Covenant. They didn't do it how God 'prescribed'

I know that God wants to equip me with everything I need to follow Him and live a life that is passionately holy and completely obedient. I've started asking Him, "God, I know you want me to be pure. You know what it takes to get me there, Help me be obedient to Your prescribed way." I've tried a hundred times on my own and it never works. Now, I'm going to seek God and let Him equip me with what I need to serve Him completely.

God is good!

Off to eat some lunch, then go to work. Thank you Lord for today, help me have a good attitude and be grateful for everything you've laid out before me.

Streams of Consciousness

I suppose my angst just looks different than yours.

We are all worried about something, nobody has it completely together.

GOD I NEED TO TRUST YOU!!!!!!!!!

On and off, second by second, trust-doubt-trust-doubt-trust-doubt.

Life is a sequence of reminding myself to trust Jesus, to remember the

tools I have in my belt, and to remember that God has it under control.

It's incredible that in my fear, I take everything back into my own hands.

Am I afraid God is going to mess it up? Do I somehow believe that I have

more control in these situations than God does? I just said last week "I'll work

the shifts I'm given; God knows my need" and then I get the new schedule "7 hours?!?!

SEVEN HOURS?!?!?!?!" and the cycle starts again. God, break this cycle!

Why can I not trust you completely?

I feel like Peter...I feel like the "O you of little faith, why do you doubt?"

and I say "I believe, HELP MY UNBELIEF!" God, help my unbelief.

I dream of a life that is full of adventure, full of travel, full of ministry, full

of journals filled with pictures, ephemera, stories of what God is doing, the

people I'm meeting. I dream of India sometimes. Right now, as I picture

my full journal, it's full on India. The colors, the smells, the sounds, the hurt...

It's all there in my imagination. Someday. God take me somewhere.

Be the author of my heart, Lord. I want to love the things you love.

I want to be broken for the things that break Your heart.

I want to hate the injustice & bondage that You hate.

I want to be ignited by the things that ignite You, Lord.

To be more myself, I seek to be more like Jesus. Help me do this daily, God.

Father, my heart is broken for my dear friend. Be with her tonight, God. Whisper to her heart that You love her, that you want her just as she is. You are restoration. Bring restoration to her depleted heart, her drained body.

Drained: def'n:implies a gradual withdrawal and ultimate deprivation of what is necessary to an existence

God, I look up this word, deplete. To empty of a principal substance.

I see it's synonyms; exhaust, impoverish, drain, bankrupt. Listen to this one, Lord..

Impoverished (def'n): suggests a deprivation of something essential to richness or productiveness

Lord God, I know that you are this principal substance, this essential something that she needs not only to live abundantly but...to live. Period.

Be with her tonight, Lord. Please let her know that I think about her every single day. My heart is broken for her. Yours is broken. God, in our brokenness, will you move? Will you do everything that I cannot do? Show me what I can, Lord. Please give her life back. Please don't let her be lost to this grave that would steal her so early...physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. She needs You. I need You. I need You to save her, Jesus. Please. Let her know we love her.

I love You, Jesus. As I type, tears stream down my cheeks. You're answering. My heart is broken for the things that break Your heart. Help me look more like You. Give me a passion for Your word. Direct my steps, lead me to the place where I will be used most completely by You, to the place where I will be most completely who You want me to be.

Love you, Jesus. Keep up your work in me until it's finished.

Deep Breath.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

The Dawn

It's amazing how, after tasting my forbidden fruit and letting its bitter taste settle on my tongue, I realize the depravity of my decisions.

Now the only thing that I want is to be close to God. I'm realizing how much I need Him, how  much I lack without Him. I wish I felt this before I made dumb mistakes. 

You know the phrase "It's always darkest right before the dawn" I hate how sometimes it takes me walking into the sin that I hate to realize how much I need Jesus. That darkness...I hate it. I wish I could see, before I take those steps to darkness, that I need the light. I know I need the light. I hate that this is the area I fall into. I hate this feeling.

If you'd like to hear a song about this very thing, go to www.sonicbids.com/christinadesouza. There you can find the song "It's Over" written by she and i and recorded by her. That song is about this feeling. I wish I could quit singing it, I wish it would start being true. I wish that my flesh wouldn't win. Like when Paul talks about the things he wants to do, he doesn't do and the things he DOES want to do, he fails to do. I feel that way, Paul. It's a human condition.

These things I call "human conditions"....I think our walk with Jesus is the steps we take to get back from the basic humanness and into something greater than that, something that is body and spirit, temporary and eternal. Sometimes I make decisions that only serve the temporary, some things that bring me back to my basic human depravity. The decisions I make to seek God, to worship Him, to make Him known, to love Him, to love others...Those decisions lead me closer to what I was meant for. A unity of God and man, body and spirit, temporary and eternal. Bringing the Kingdom to earth, you know? Eternally loving, patient, kind, good, and so on. Preparing myself and others for eternity, while bringing Jesus' love in a real tangible way to others here and now. 

Today, I made a decision to step back nearer to basic humanity. It feels terrible here. I know my purpose is to know God and make Him known. I want to take steps closer to You, Jesus Christ. Closer to who I was made to be, how I was made to be. A marriage of God and man, body and spirit, temporary and eternal. I want nothing to separate us, Lord. I admit that my foolish decisions are like a wedge between us. Forgive me for my depravity, God. I want to be closer to You, I want to be more like You. I want to walk in the light, to see the light, to rejoice in the light. Today was a day of walking in Your joy and I traded it for a selfish decision that led me farther from You. 

Forgive me, I ask for Your joy again. I want to be in fellowship with You. I want to dwell in the light again, and to stay there forever. 

I love you :)

8 Things

Thankyou Rachel, from the blog "braving the Beauty" for this. It gave me lots to think about. :)

8 things I’m looking forward to:
1. Vacation
2. When God takes me on another mission trip 
3. having my very first pair of birkenstocks
4. Filling up my moleskine with songs
5. Living in Eugene...and Im sure other places, too. 
6. Becoming content
7. Getting married
8. Reaching my goal weight (I know I know) 

8 things I did yesterday:
1. Had my hair dyed by my beautiful sister. 
2. Wrote a mini sermon (but no one came to unlock the church or hear the sermon, so it sits on my dashboard)
3. Made drinks for people at work. 
4.  Had a wonderful time with my sweet boyfriend, running errands and being silly 
5. Pondered at my priorities and asked the Lord to tell me what I should be investing in. 
6. Saw pictures of Brittany's brand new baby girl, Jacee Liliana
7. prayed for a co-worker that God is putting in my life even though Im mad about it.
8. Read parts of  "All I Need is Jesus (and a good pair of jeans)" By Susanna Aughtmon (or something like that) 

8 things I wish I could do:
1. Believe in myself and God's ability and desire to use me. 
2. Play guitar like a face melter and write songs that come from God's heart
3. be set loose in Borders & buy anything I like! (I stole this one from Rachel. :) ) 
4. Go on a 6 week long cross country road trip. 
5. Hike a swiss alp (someday) 
6. Have money to get manicures and pedicures all the time. 
7.  Be fluent in spanish, then lots of other languages too. 
8. Pay off my parents and learn to save really well. :) 

Special!

It's so silly how I compare myself so much.

Is this an 18 year old girl condition or

maybe just a human one?

God is good.

He has made me in His image.

I express a part of Him.

A special part, a unique part. 

No one else can fit the part that I can fit. 

Your grace is enough for me, Lord. 

I've been realizing how "iron sharpens iron" more, today.

I met with Karina and we did our bible study together. 

I love seeing how God shows her things that I didn't 

recognize in His word. It's a blessing to see her use

her God given talent of using words for His glory.

Your grace is enough for us, Lord. 

Thankyou for the promise that You'll work out Your plan for my life,

You'll use the special way I am made to fit in a special place, & be loved

especially by You. Help me remember I'm special, Lord, and help me

reveal to others how they're special, too.

Love you

Rach 

Emotionally Wrung Out

Good and Bad today. :)

It started baddish, I woke up with a painful kink in my neck that's lasted all day. 

However, I got to lay in bed for a few hours, reading. I LOVE reading. :) 

Then, Chris came over with coffee. What a delight! He brightens everything up. :)

When my mom came home from her lunch break, we went a saw a desk we saw on Craigslist. A  no go. Not the quality I want. :p Oh well, the Lord will provide the perfect thing. :) 

We went to the chiropractor and he cranked on my neck & back. It feels so strange, like someones breaking your neck since it crack-crack-cracks. :) It feels a little better and I'm on the road to neck recovery. :) 

Then...drama started.

With the Anchor, the bible study we've started, one of the girls was rude today, then when all three of us got together, Angie* was saying "I tell the truth, how it is, to anybody. It doesn't matter who it is, I tell the truth." about how she was offended because no one told her where we were meeting (Because no one had decided!) I told her, since she would tell anyone the truth, that that day, she had hurt my feelings by being rude to me about not knowing where we were meeting. I guess me telling her she hurt my feelings was too much for her to handle because she stormed off and left almost crying. 

It was very strange. 

I know that the Lord is the author of our college group and if Angie isn't supposed to be in leadership, then she won't be. 

It was very frustrating and emotionally tolling. If we're not able to discuss openly how we all feel, not regarding one person's feelings as more important as the others, then it's not right.

Lord, I ask for Your forgiveness for my part in the negative stuff that happened today. God, will You do your will in this situation? Let hearts be convicted and mended. 

*sigh*

I've been reading "All I Need is Jesus (and a good pair of Jeans)" by Susanna Aughtmon. It's been a blessing!

I love reading :) 

Lord, finish Your work in me. I feel undone. :) I love You

In Jesus' Name

Amen :) 

This is a Beginning

God's providing everything, he's making things happen. This is a beginning. :) 

Chris graduated.

Chris got a job.

Chris moved to Bend.

I have more hours at work.

Im finishing the term.

Im released from the bondage of an old hurt, a poison of unforgiveness.

Today has been a little hard. It shows that even the best things are hard sometimes. But hard doesn't mean that they aren't the very best things to be happening in life.

I can't wait to start my bible study with Karina and get in the word regularly. God will you provide a girl to share the study with us? i have an extra book.  :)

You're good, Lord. 

Help me trust you and help me be gracious. I love you. Remind me that this life is all about you. :) 

Psalm 57

1 Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, 
       for in you my soul takes refuge. 
       I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings 
       until the disaster has passed.

 ² I cry out to God Most High, 
       to God, who fulfills {his purpose} for me.

 ³ He sends from heaven and saves me, 
       rebuking those who hotly pursue me; 
       Selah 
       God sends his love and his faithfulness.

 ⁴ I am in the midst of lions; 
       I lie among ravenous beasts— 
       men whose teeth are spears and arrows, 
       whose tongues are sharp swords.

 ⁵ Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; 
       let your glory be over all the earth.

 ⁶ They spread a net for my feet— 
       I was bowed down in distress. 
       They dug a pit in my path— 
       but they have fallen into it themselves. 
       Selah

 ⁷ My heart is steadfast, O God, 
       my heart is steadfast; 
       I will sing and make music.

 ⁸ Awake, my soul! 
       Awake, harp and lyre! 
       I will awaken the dawn.

 ⁹ I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; 
       I will sing of you among the peoples.

 ¹⁰ For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; 
       your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

 ¹¹ Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; 
       let your glory be over all the earth.

Days of Trust

Romans 15:13

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

I'm trusting the Lord again today. I found what I think is the perfect car. But my parents only can pay 800 less than they're offering it for. They love the Lord and know Ian & Kristy...maybe it's the Lord's will and will bless both of us out of this deal. Your will be done, God.  :/ I need to not worry.

Promise

Psalm 100:3, 5

 ³ Know that the LORD is God. 
       It is he who made us, and we are his\
       we are his people, the sheep of his pasture

 ⁵ For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; 
       his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Learning to Trust

So I suppose 'everyday' has now turned into 'once a week' or so?

God is good. He's been giving me joy. I've been having trouble at work and it's been hard to trust him...Sometimes it feels like he doesn't see what's going on, but I know he does. It's hard when I feel like I'm trying my best to be the perfect employee and still, I don't get treated the same as the other girls. It feels like they're thought of as better than me....:( It could all be my imagination but it's hard to remember that God knows what He's doing. So *sigh* I need to trust him.

 This is what we read today. Psalm 101.  These are my favorites from it. 

vs 1: ¹ I will sing of your love and justice, Lord.

      I will praise you with songs." (I love verses about singing because they could be my new tattoo)

vs 2 through 4:  ² I will be careful to live a blameless life—

      when will you come to help me?
   I will lead a life of integrity
      in my own home.
 ³ I will refuse to look at
      anything vile and vulgar.
   I hate all who deal crookedly;
      I will have nothing to do with them.
 ⁴ I will reject perverse ideas
      and stay away from every evil."

This really reminded me that I need to be careful what I watch. Also, I need to live a life of integrity even when no one sees, and even when no one rewards me for it. I trust that God will reward me and that he sees what I do, but it's hard to always do my best at work, to be super honest, to be really friendly, to try REALLY hard, and still feel like no one notices. So...lead a life of integrity, Rach. It's about God and you, not your silly boss. :/

Lord, help me trust you today. Help me reject the bitterness that's been trying to take root in my heart. Help me reflect you, help me trust you, and place me exactly where you want me to be, Lord. Whether that's at T Perk or not. Help me trust you, help me have joy, help me walk with you and grow and heal and learn. I love you. In Jesus' precious name, Amen. 

Trust Today

Today has been a very emotional day...thanks, uterus, Thankyou very much.

But besides that, I feel like God's really helped me trust him. I got a call

from my boss today telling me my hours were gonna get majorly cut

for next month (down from 7hrs and 12hrs a week? Yes.) and that

they "want to keep me but understand if I want to look for another job"

Yes, i do want to look for another job and compete with hundreds of other

people for the same jobs. :/ I told her that I trust her judgement hours wise

and that I love my job and want to work as much as I can. The lord really 

gave me peace in the moment and helped me not get upset about it.

I got my schedule a few hours later....I have 4 shifts. Saturday Sunday close the first weekend of the month. Then the last weekend, too. So no work for 2 weeks straight. 

Hmmm. The Lord knows what I need and it's just been in the last half hour 

or so that I've been struggling with bitterness over it a little bit. I know that

God is in control and if he wants me to have another job, then He'll open

a door and I don't have to go knocking on every one. There aren't even

jobs to knock on right now. But yes, so today has been an awesome

day of seeing God help me trust Him. I need to keep  hanging onto that

and trusting even when that feeling goes away.

On Track went well tonight. I led worship last minute and God really moved. 

There's nothing like worshipping God. I don't know why but it gives me a right

perspective of who I am (how small I am) and how big God is and how even when

life sucks, I still have a million reasons to praise Him. :) 

This was a big verse tonight. We talked about loneliness:

Jeremiah 29:10-14 

 ¹⁰ This is what the Lord says: “You will be in Babylon for seventy years. But then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again. ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ¹² In those days when you pray, I will listen. ¹³ If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.”

I think peace can be found in the promise that the Lord will bring me home again. That I'll find him when I seek Him. I'm not just knocking on the door of an empty house or calling to deaf ears. God really does hear me. It was also encouraging to read "I will restore your fortunes" Now, I have never gone hungry or not paid any bills (I dont have any!) but my budget seems like it might get tighter over the next month. But instead I'm going to trust that God will bring in money from all different directions and not only meet my needs, but bless me abundantly. He is good and I trust Him.

Oh, I dyed my hair brown today. I love it :) 

and I finished a new song, too. 

No matter what, remember that you're not alone. God will bring us home. He's there, he's there, he's there. I think the Lord is giving me more time so I can minister. :) And be there when people need me. :)

God, be my strength and peace. Help me tell everyone of your goodness and your faithfulness and your realness. Show yourself real to us. We need You, Lord, more than ever. I love you. In Jesus' name, Amen. 

Sometimes the Weak Grow Strong

I started smiling for no reason while driving to school today. It really helped me feel happier. Like I had a secret to smile about (and even I didn't know what it was!) Haha. So I think that was a step in the right direction. 

This is what I've read today, out of my study of esther by beth moore.

"Satan has a theory that he's banked his entire accuser's career on: Even the strong grow weak. True enough, but this, Beloved One, is also true: Even the weak grow strong if they set their minds to it." (beth moore, esther) 

Deuteronomy 33:25 says 

"The bolts of your gates will be iron and bronze and your strength will equal your days"

I'd really like that for myself. I used to think that there was no way I could resist temptation, that I would fall and that would be my fate and I could never get over it. Things have gotten better, that's for sure. God's really showing me that I can control myself, my tongue and my actions and everything. Tonight I read in the bible study, "We need more than  a mood, We need a mindset" So I pray that the Lord will give me a mindset to stay strong, to stay pure, to stay quiet (OFTEN! my mouth sure does get me in trouble, especially at work) to stay joyful. Even when I don't feel like it.

So that's been my day. I lead a small group for bible study tomorrow night and I have day 1 of 5 finished. So that will be a lot of studying for me tomorrow. Oh, I worked on the new song I am writing today. It's coming along, coming along. :)

Lord, thankyou for your joy today. Thankyou for all that you're doing. Give me direction Lord and the strength to trust you in the regularity of everyday. I love you.

ahhh--mennn--ayyy. 

 

Walking in Limited Sight

Show me what it means to live everyday. 

"Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory." (Romans 5:1-2) (emphasis mine) 

The last few days, I've been drowning in worry and fear. I'm walking in limited mobility, hanging onto what I think I know I should fear. The future, my uncertainty, and ultimately, my huge fear of failure. Tonight, I've been in search of God's peace. My goal of "Read every peace verse in the Bible" turned into reading just that one up there.  The words confident and  joyful wouldn't be words I'd use to describe myself lately. I've been struggling with finding joy in my day to day life. "Where are you, God?!" "Where is the excitement?!" I've been saying. So i'm definitely not con (with) fident (faith) lately. Especially not in myself. And that's been leading to my lack of confidence in God. Which i don't want.

I Trust You, GOD! I believe you can do what you say! I know that I need to get my eyes off of just what I can see and onto the GREATNESS of who you are, because that I have not  forgotten, Lord I pray I NEVER forget that. 

I wrote in my journal tonight, "Don't focus on things of this world"

i could worry about everything, in light of life, I should worry about things because peace only comes from you God.  You are the only place I find peace.

Thankyou, God, for being so patient with me as I walk through this with you. Help me find beauty every day. Help me see you and seek you everyday. I don't want to live a humdrum life. I want passion for you, with you, passionate love with you. I want to find that passionate love with Chris, too, as we both seek You separately and together. I want what you have. Help me trust you. Help me trust you, Help me trust you.

Help me relax while I wait for your direction. Show me each day what to do. Help me love more, help me criticize less and encourage more. Help me look at you, look at others, look at me. In that order, God. Help me be real. Help me not have these high standards on myself. Even now, i'm thinking of what I've written here and criticizing myself and doubting any legitimacy in the things I feel. Thank you for finding importance in me. Thank you for letting me stand in undeserved privilege. Help me walk in your love and love from you. 

I lift up to you everyone I love, everyone I care about, everyone that needs You, God. Be with them tonight and speak to them and sing over them and comfort them and heal them just like You always want to. I invite you to move in them, in me, help me surrender God. I surrender everything I am to You. Everything I have. Everything I ever will be. From my heart, Lord. Show yourself even more real to you. 

I rebuke the spirit of depression and sadness that tries to overtake me. God, You are my God and forever I will seek You! In You I find my joy. I love you, I trust you. Be near, in Jesus' Name. Amen.