Can I tell you something?

Dear **** (You know who you are!)

I just wanted to write to you and tell you exactly what I want to say.

You. Are. A. Wonderful. Person.

If anything has broken my heart the most, it's the suffering that you've had to face. Suffering that was done to you and the things that you have done to yourself.

You.

Deserve.

So.

Much.

Better.

Look at your body.

Look at it for what it is.

An amazing thing, heart pumping, blood in veins, lungs filled and emptied.

You weren't an accident, you weren't a mistake.

The things you hate about you

desperately

deserve

to

be

loved.

YOU

deserve to be loved.

You are smart.

You are funny.

You are inspiring.

You are loved, dearly and completely.

I know most people don't want to hear Jesus talk but can I tell you something?

Jesus is real. He didn't do the hurt to you. I don't know why he's let you suffer so long and I pray for you so much that Jesus would free you from the weight you feel on your heart and the hurts that are suffocating out your joy. You don't deserve it. At all.

I can't answer for God as to why he hasn't just rescued you right out of what you're dealing with, the hurt, the lack, the damage.

But I want you to know something that He reminds me of every day, especially when I think of you and how special you are.

He made every beautiful thing I see in you.

Your nurturing spirit, your encouragement, your compassion. Your care for the underdog, your appreciation of the things that other people overlook. Your creativity, your talent, your gift for creating beautiful things out of materials that probably would have been thrown away.

You know what you are?

You're a rescuer, a rehabilitator.

I want you to know that Jesus didn't cause your pain. If you're mad at him, it's okay - he can take it and he's not scared away by the questions you have of him.

I want you so badly to see that He's real and that He loves you.

All the amazing things you are are a reflection of Him and His beauty. You may not see it the same way I see it. You may not see God as compassionate and loving. But I hope someday that you do see it. That you do feel his love like warm tea filling your belly. Like the bed and blankets that hold you when you're scared or sad or lonely or panicked. Like the music that calms you.

The blades that make the panic pass or the binges that feed that emptiness will

never.

truly.

love.

you.

They don't serve you, they hurt you.

They don't fill you, they empty you.

They don't soothe you, they.

are.

ruining.

you.

I wish with every part of me that I could take these things away from you, to protect you from them, to rid you of them and make you free.

Know that I love you.

Know that Jesus Chris is real and he loves you.

Know that I'll love you even if it takes you some time to realize the truth about Jesus.

Not for me, not for anyone else. But I hope that you do feel his love today and know that when you suffer, he suffers too.

I'm sorry if any of this sounds cheesy but please know that I love you dearly. You are and will always be one of the most important people in my book. When you hurt, I hurt too.

Love you

Rachel

Um...how do I get out from under this cloud?

Lately, I've felt like I've been walking with a cloud over my head. I'm overwhelmed, I'm sad, the pile of clothes, both dirty and clean, have been piling up and my bathroom is in dire need of cleaning. My homework stacks up too all while I try to count the points of food that go into my mouth. Oh did I mention I'm still married and have a husband with...needs? Yeah, I know! How dare he need a wife that actually pays attention to him! Demanding!

So ever since monday started, i've been dying for the week to be over. Guess what? It's Saturday and that stupid cloud is hanging around.

I need Jesus to refresh me. A nap probably won't hurt either.

Look toward Heaven

I have such an urgency to tell everyone:

Stop looking down here, Look toward heaven.

The things we feel are important down here aren't as important. I tend to care about things that should just be brushed off and forgotten. Now, in an of itself, that sounds noble. But I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about the things that I waste my emotional energy on. Things such as: the imagined things I feel others think about me. This is a huge one. I was going to continue listing things but realized that truly, this is a huge struggle for me. I worry that people think my shoes are stupid because they really shouldn't go with skirts but I don't have any good shoes for skirts so I wear the shoes I have with skirts because I LOVE skirts and I must, in fact, wear shoes. I worry about my hair and skin a lot. I worry about what my neighbors think of me. I worry about what my friends think of me, if I'm bugging them or if they feel like I'm ignoring them. I worry about being a good wife, if I'm cleaning enough, if I'm being sexy enough, if I'm just dead tired but my house is a disaster - does that mean I'm lazy? I worry about my job - how my coworkers are perceiving me, I dwell on little errors I make at work. I dwell on conversations I've had and replay the parts I wish I could change. I dwell on the days I worked out and how I should have pushed harder. I dwell on the days I don't work out and say I should have. I dwell on the food I did and didn't eat and judge myself according to the choices I'm making.

So all in all....would you say I'm spending my energy wisely?

no.

just a big fat no on that one.

I spent some time worshipping Jesus on guitar. Oh, how I realize that THAT is what I am made for. Over the last couple of years, I've neglected music. Others are more talented than me, I say. I'm not very good. This will never go any where.

So I stopped. I stopped playing, I stopped singing. In the business of life and the overwhelming new adventures I've started in the last year, my music...died. And I think this might be a good thing. Because now I have changed. And as I pick my guitar back up and sing to the Lord, I realize that this. is. what. i. am. made. for. To worship the Lord and encourage others to worship him, too. To remind people of who God is. To encourage them. To give them a moment to breathe. I feel so strongly that God is leading me in that direction and I'm excited to see where he takes it. I'm realizing that I don't need to be the best musician and song writer in the world. I don't need to "bring something to the table that no one has brought before.' The bottom line is that God is asking me to bring him music as my offering and I need to be obedient.

Lord, I pray for opportunities to offer my worship to You. I feel like round 2 of worshipping will be different than it was when I led in high school. I sure have changed a lot. I'm realizing that God is calling that out of me again. Now is the season.

I'm thinking about writing a worship album. Using that as motivation to write, to get the music inside of me out, to glorify God and encourage others.

So, thats what I wanted to get out.

Updates?

I'm training for my first 5k. I'm back at Weight Watchers and I'm going to succeed this time. Why? Because I will NEVER EVER quit!

Lord, all glory to you. Focus my eyes on heaven, not on earth. There are much more important things that deserve my attention and I pray for the wisdom and discernment to hear, to receive and to obey.

In Jesus's name,

Amen.