Um...how do I get out from under this cloud?

Lately, I've felt like I've been walking with a cloud over my head. I'm overwhelmed, I'm sad, the pile of clothes, both dirty and clean, have been piling up and my bathroom is in dire need of cleaning. My homework stacks up too all while I try to count the points of food that go into my mouth. Oh did I mention I'm still married and have a husband with...needs? Yeah, I know! How dare he need a wife that actually pays attention to him! Demanding!

So ever since monday started, i've been dying for the week to be over. Guess what? It's Saturday and that stupid cloud is hanging around.

I need Jesus to refresh me. A nap probably won't hurt either.

Look toward Heaven

I have such an urgency to tell everyone:

Stop looking down here, Look toward heaven.

The things we feel are important down here aren't as important. I tend to care about things that should just be brushed off and forgotten. Now, in an of itself, that sounds noble. But I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about the things that I waste my emotional energy on. Things such as: the imagined things I feel others think about me. This is a huge one. I was going to continue listing things but realized that truly, this is a huge struggle for me. I worry that people think my shoes are stupid because they really shouldn't go with skirts but I don't have any good shoes for skirts so I wear the shoes I have with skirts because I LOVE skirts and I must, in fact, wear shoes. I worry about my hair and skin a lot. I worry about what my neighbors think of me. I worry about what my friends think of me, if I'm bugging them or if they feel like I'm ignoring them. I worry about being a good wife, if I'm cleaning enough, if I'm being sexy enough, if I'm just dead tired but my house is a disaster - does that mean I'm lazy? I worry about my job - how my coworkers are perceiving me, I dwell on little errors I make at work. I dwell on conversations I've had and replay the parts I wish I could change. I dwell on the days I worked out and how I should have pushed harder. I dwell on the days I don't work out and say I should have. I dwell on the food I did and didn't eat and judge myself according to the choices I'm making.

So all in all....would you say I'm spending my energy wisely?

no.

just a big fat no on that one.

I spent some time worshipping Jesus on guitar. Oh, how I realize that THAT is what I am made for. Over the last couple of years, I've neglected music. Others are more talented than me, I say. I'm not very good. This will never go any where.

So I stopped. I stopped playing, I stopped singing. In the business of life and the overwhelming new adventures I've started in the last year, my music...died. And I think this might be a good thing. Because now I have changed. And as I pick my guitar back up and sing to the Lord, I realize that this. is. what. i. am. made. for. To worship the Lord and encourage others to worship him, too. To remind people of who God is. To encourage them. To give them a moment to breathe. I feel so strongly that God is leading me in that direction and I'm excited to see where he takes it. I'm realizing that I don't need to be the best musician and song writer in the world. I don't need to "bring something to the table that no one has brought before.' The bottom line is that God is asking me to bring him music as my offering and I need to be obedient.

Lord, I pray for opportunities to offer my worship to You. I feel like round 2 of worshipping will be different than it was when I led in high school. I sure have changed a lot. I'm realizing that God is calling that out of me again. Now is the season.

I'm thinking about writing a worship album. Using that as motivation to write, to get the music inside of me out, to glorify God and encourage others.

So, thats what I wanted to get out.

Updates?

I'm training for my first 5k. I'm back at Weight Watchers and I'm going to succeed this time. Why? Because I will NEVER EVER quit!

Lord, all glory to you. Focus my eyes on heaven, not on earth. There are much more important things that deserve my attention and I pray for the wisdom and discernment to hear, to receive and to obey.

In Jesus's name,

Amen.

Sharing a quote...

I just read this article "The Devil-Baby at Hull House" and found this really poignant quote that I want to share. The author is speaking of the women that served at the Hull House and had experienced really horrible tragedies in their lives. Somehow, they didn't have even one ounce of bitterness toward life. The author says: "Perhaps those women, because they had come to expect nothing more from life and had perforce ceased from grasping and striving, had obtained, if not renunciation, at least that quiet endurance which allows the wounds of the spirit to heal" That's a good word.

Treading Water

This year has felt like I'm just treading water.

I finally handle one new thing and then something else gets dumped on me.

I.

am.

exhausted.

Apartments

The joy of apartment living:

I get to hear my neighbors pee.

What a delight!

Blah Day

I'm really bad at posting often. But here goes. I feel the need to purge my feelings today and get them out.

I'm feeling a little down today. My job stresses me out like none other. I'm always wondering - will I get my hours this week? Will Cindy be good or terrible? Will she act like she needs my help or like I'm a huge bother?

I hate the what-ifs of that job. I just want to move on, Lord. PLEASE! Teach me what I need to learn here quickly. Or give me the strength and maturity to get through.

I pray for an eternal perspective, Lord. Today, I go to class (walk in the cold! BOO!) then come home, I need to clean the laundry rooms at work and hopefully get time in the office. I need to get in 15 hours in the next 3 days, which for normal people wouldn't seem like that hard but for my job, it can be.

God, I need you to calm the storm in my heart. I'm going back and forth between stressed out upset and calm. I know that I shouldn't forecast a bad day - so in Jesus's name, today will be a good day! Even with the snow (that I HATE) and work (that I sometimes HATE!)

God, give me new eyes to see Your goodness. My life is not bad. I have good things in my life. God is faithful to me and I need to trust Him to get me through these days that dont seem like any fun.

Give me strength to live the life that you've given me. Help me give you glory and not just focus on myself. In Jesus's name, Amen

Today, I am grateful for...

I just wanted to say that I am grateful for:

My husband who was purposefully kind and good to me yesterday (and today too, but he started yesterday.) I am blessed to have a husband that cares for me and loves the Lord.

My new job, even with its difficulties. I found out if I work over 16 hours a week, I get paid a very good wage hourly. I'm grateful for God putting us in this position and I know that He will give us the strength we need to do the job.

My new bosses, Cindy and Dale. I know God is going to use them to teach me a lot and I hope and pray I can be a blessing to them and show the love of Jesus to them.

My family. My mom sends me encouragement texts every morning. It's a wonderful thing to wake up to.

My new phone. Thanks, Tosha, for selling us your old phone for a very fair price.

Our T-mobile credit that took $9.99 off our bill for this month. Little things like that really encourage me.

Chris's job. He's off to work now and I'm so glad he gets to work in an environment where God is given glory and magnified. I pray that today He will be blessed in everything He does, that He'll be anointed to serve and bless everyone he encounters, that he will support the manager and encourage him, and lead the other employees that he "assistant manages." and encourage them today.

Our new Christmas tree. Pictures coming soon. I got it for $3.75 at a thrift store.

The ornaments on our new tree. They've come from my mom, the thrift store and from a lady who randomly gave them to my mom to give out to "new couples that need them." Isn't it like God to bless me with free ornaments? How silly and wonderful that He cares about those details in our lives.

Christmas Break. I am officially done with class until the start of January. Praise the Lord for getting me through another term! Just 2 more to go until I have my AAOT.

More money than we anticipated this month. Praise the Lord that we could afford to pay our very high electric bill (Darn you, winter!) our cell phone bills and my foolish credit card that I pray God will give me wisdom and self control NOT to use!

Knitting. I picked up my knitting for the first time in about 6 months. It feels good to have yarn in my hands again.

World of Warcraft. I never thought I would say it, but I started playing with my hubby and it's really fun. I am also starting to better understand why boys like the game. I can ask him more specific questions and I am actually interested this time around. :) Who knows if I'll keep playing but thank you, Jesus, for new perspective.

My wonderful friends that encourage me. Hannah, my bread fairy. Chelsea, my coffee fairy. Karina who always encourages me at just the right time. Abby, who always has the right thing to say and makes me feel like the coolest girl in the world. Jessica, whose silliness is refreshing and reminds me to acknowledge the Lord in everything I do.

My first pair of knit socks on my feet. These are my favorite socks and I finally accomplished the "sock mountain" that I was so worried about climbing. i have 1 more sock almost done, then 1 more to do, and i'll have my second pair.

Lord, you made it so we could pay all our bills this month, even with the ones that were unexepected. Psalm 36:5-10

⁵ Your love, LORD, reaches to the heavens,

your faithfulness to the skies.

⁶ Your righteousness is like the highest mountains,

your justice like the great deep.

You, LORD, preserve both people and animals.

⁷ How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!

People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

⁸ They feast on the abundance of your house;

you give them drink from your river of delights.

⁹ For with you is the fountain of life;

in your light we see light.

¹⁰ Continue your love to those who know you,

your righteousness to the upright in heart.